Yesterday as I was sleepily and mindlessly pretending to be a mother saving various photo instructions on how to make crochet baby slippers for my future baby on pinterest while finding out how to make an stable indoor hammock for me to get disgustingly drunk on I looked at my computer and realized the date…The 4th of july. Now to everyone else the 4th of july is celebration of american independence, I hear it’s a day of getting shit wasted and possibly blowing off your cousins finger with those cheap chinese fireworks you bought from that illegal possible child molester looking puerto rican tanned white guy….but to me it’s the day I gave my first “blow J everrrrrr….with ma mouth”.
Yes. Now before I give you details of my very awkward existence I’d like to tell you first off all majority of life stories are very true and just very fucking awkward as hell as most peoples are. My mom scarring me by trimming her pubes in my toilet, true. My pathetic attempt at first time grinding with a guy in this whorish underage club with him moving away from me after 5 minutes and overhearing him telling his friend he felt sorry for me and making a plan to get me wasted so I would go home early and they could make out with my friends, true. My befriending of an old thai man with a mullet who constantly bought me cigarettes and beer near my house and later finding how he was a hardcore pimp who asked everyone (no lie) to call him daddy, true and I even introduced him to my parents. I don’t know if he wanted my exotic meat but I’d like to think he did just to boost my ego. Last but definetly not least the time I was wasted as fuck had sex in a pool realized some friends were watching, ran out…slipped on my ass, ran to my room put on a pearl necklace and brushed my teeth telling people “I DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THIS” and then passing out with no underwear. I later got blessed with the hilarious nickname ursula…the sea witch. It’s all just so…face palm-y! Omg re-reading all of that gave me like hot flashes of embarrassment and I want to jump out my window even though I’m on the second floor and I’ll only break like a wrist.
So it was the summer of 8th grade, I was going wild drinking 4% bacardi breezers and puffing on cherry flavoured cigarettes and boys making out with boys was cool. Uploading it on the internet, even cooler. Me and a couple of my girlfriends went over to her boyfriends place at the time in some probably very fresh of out middle school outfits. However…this was during a time I wanted to be a boy repeller…so I obviously opted for a wanyes world garth haircut and looked like this…
So we all had some heavy duty liquor, I had bought a large bottle of absolut vodka because I wasn’t a cheap son of a bitch back in the day with my clearly fake and just plain old fucking retarded I.D that might as well have looked like this….
The night was just getting started and I remember we started drinking in his house and then his mom and dad came back and kicked us out and I was pissed cus his couch was comfy as fuck so we decided to make the smart choice of just GETTING DRUNK ON THIS SMALL GRASS LAND IN BETWEEN TWO HIGHWAYS. I don’t remember who suggested that but if I knew then and was sober I definitely would have given he/she the double take whatdafuckwrongwitchu look. They were also probably white (no offence white people but you guys make the worst drunk decisions.)
We all continued drinking playing truth or dare obviously, I remember having to pee in a bush, spreading my ass cheeks to flash unexpected motorists my anus and oh of course downing more alcohol in my already alcohol fulled mind and body. My body was no longer temple but a vessel for liquor… and I took it all in with open arms. By the time I knew it the grass was spinning and two boys were making out and I had peed in the same bush about 5-8 times but I might as well had stayed there and continued my partying while I had a long continuous niagara fall of a fucking pee. Now I haven’t explained the boy who took my mouth virginity was like….to keep it short and simple he would moon girls in science class, take a shit in the school urinals/wipe his snot/boogers on people/things, pull down his pants and shake his dick around, skate (I gave him 10 points for that), be known for generally being disgusting and having a large nose (which I found to be quite hot, another 10 points!). I also decided to facebook stalk him today and saw that I’m not friends with him…so if you’re reading this and you deleted me FUCK YOU DICKBAG if we were never facebook friends to begin with I apologize for the fuck you dickbag and me telling this story, please don’t sue me.
Anyways where was I? I thought he was pretty hot and the night was running old on fart jokes, making people kiss each other and me flashing my cold ass to motorist over and over again. The kid had a backyard with a trampoline so we all decided to stumble over there and “sober up” which now I know means just drinking in another location. My prey had already made out with my friend that night but this was during a time where it was okay to make out with everyone and no one really cared. Before I knew it me this girl and let’s just call him VD (which is funny cus that’s his initials too..) were sitting on the trampoline and they started to make out again.
Fuck. What am I supposed to do now I thought, I was drunkenly thinking of ways to exit but the fucking net around the trampoline had me locked in and I couldn’t escape let alone remember the height of the trampoline from the ground, if I roll out would I break an ankle? maybe…? Am I willing to risk that to leave this hella awkward moment cus now she’s rubbing the outside of his jeans and I had only seen that in movies and like that one time I accidently continued to watch that pop up? omg yes. I HAD to leave, I was clawing my way out of the net when suddenly her phone started ringing and she slurred “You guys can make out now” and started talking to her friend on the phone in her native tongue, girl wasted. I was just sitting there in shock while my hands were still to my right trying to find the damn opening, I couldn’t find it. I then remember suddenly just making out with this dude and I don’t even fucking remember why!
WHY. WHAT WAS I DOING. WHY IS MY RIGHT HAND STUCK IN THE NET AND WHY AM I KISSING THIS GREASEBALL! FUCKING HORMONES THAT’S WHY. To further my already embarrassing make out session with a third party present, we drunkenly decided to take it to another level. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY! Here we were with bad breath and one of my eyeballs pointing to the right when he started to try and go down south with his hand. HELL NO I THOUGHT. I was a total virgin and wanted to remain that way until I found my nerd dream boat, so I hit his hand away and he got the message….however….as we all know drunk train of thought goes a little like this “I WON’T DO THAAT….but I’ll do this”. My inebriated barely even developed brain decided hey…I don’t wanna get violated…BUT I’LL VIOLATE YOU. OH I KNOW, I COULD GIVE YOU A BLOWIE AND BE ON MY MERRY WAY. HERE I WAS UNZIPPING THIS DUDES JEANS WHILE MY FRIEND WASN’T EVEN 2 FEET AWAY FROM ME. WHY. PORQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING, WHY DID I CHOOSE TO WRITE THIS DOWN. OMG EVERYTHINGS JUST GOING TO BE IN CAPS FROM NOW ON BECAUSE IT’S THAT BAD. IT’S JUST THAT BAD!! WHY WHY WHY!!! I had only seen porn on my guys friends computers as a joke and in pop ups, I wasn’t the pornographic collector I am now. I decided it was now or never #YOLO as you disgusting youth say these days and let me tell YOU I yolo-ed like I never yolo-ed before. I yolo-ed all the way down southbank and back. I took out his sweaty dick and went to town, I was doing shit the fucking porn industry hadn’t even seen. I was doing the time warp on his dick. I was going left, right, up and down, I didn’t even know why but I did. When I slowly realized I was playing tic tac toe on this guys dick and I eventually played myself out and got bored as hell.
I was not a people-pleaser so I just stopped mid way and fell asleep HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA! sucks to be you dude. It all started so fast and ended even faster (thank fucking god) I eventually woke up and low and behold it was daylight and my breath smelled like an old mans anus and I felt like one too. It was the first time I had actually got black out wasted, I had created an adorable little face palm of a memory myself for years to come. My first and LAST trampoline blow J I thought to myself as I closed one eye to keep my vision stable and gazed upon that opening I was so desperately trying to find about 3 hours ago. I flopped out and got up on my feet and with shame on my face said bye to all my friends VERY quickly hoping to never run into that guy ever again. That day I lost 30 bucks, my house keys and my mouth virginity….and surprisingly very little of my dignity because I walked to pizza hut with my dick breath still drunk and ordered a medium hawaiian and walked my ass back home while eating that bitch up.
I later found out that all my friends had witnessed me take a dick to the face and upon entering the 9th grade not many people found out about my awkward experience or maybe they did and people just kept it on the hush hush either way I high fived myself and skipped my way into class only to find out I had to sit across this guy for the next year and I never talked to him since. Since he was sat right in front of me for an entire fucking year I had to constantly keep my head to the left or right as to never create any awkward eye contact or give him any flashbacks of my oh so very hot and sexy blowjob. This is also why I smelled like tiger balm for like fucking ever. My neck still hurts to this day.
Dude you owe me a spa visit for that amazing 5 minutes of your vida.
A weird and still painful reminder of my first ever blow jay.
I hate myself hahahahahah Love Flavia. W
Eatsteakandcry. 